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Humor on the Campaign Trail

February 29, 2008

Happy leap day! No show today, but I thought I’d devote this once-in-four-year opportunity to humor on the campaign trail. My personal two favorites are here:
The first I dedicate to Dave from California:
Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early
Keep away from those goons, Dave!
The second I’ve placed in the comments section. It gives the “bar pick-up lines” of all the Republican and Democratic Nominees for President.
Feel free to add your own!

If a candidate picked you up at a bar…
by “Genghis” at Talking Points Memo
By – February 18, 2008, 3:54PM
This post started as a comment, but due to popular demand, it’s getting its own post. (Does one request constitute popular demand?) Much ado has been made in recent years about which presidential candidate voters would prefer to have a beer with, but we all know that beer buddiness is a poor measure of electability. I love my beer buddies, but I wouldn’t vote any of them for city council, let alone president. Think about it: getting someone’s vote is about closing the deal, so if you’re hanging out with presidential candidates at a bar, the measure of electability is obviously not, “Who would you like to hang out with for a couple hours?” but rather, “Who would you like to go home with?” Thus, I present the most critical question of this election: Which candidate has the best pickup line? Using the latest in surveillance technology, this intrepid blog poster has surreptitiously recorded actual pick-up lines used by actual presidential candidates over the course of the primary season. Personally, I like Mike Gravel’s approach best, but decide for yourselves…
McCain: Hi sweetheart. You remind me of my first wife. Want to go neck in the back of my car. C’mon honey, I’m all shook up, you know, like the Elvis song. No, Elvis Presley, darling. Who’s Elvis Costello? Ow. No, it’s nothing, nothing. Just an old war wound. I don’t like to talk about it. They gave me the Silver Star, but I was just doing my duty like anybody else. Yeah, it hurts right there. Oh that feels good. Yeah, a little higher. Hang on one sec, sweetheart. I just need to take a little pill, doctor’s prescription for my injury.
Romney: Hi beautiful. What’s your sign? Really? I’m a Capricorn too. Quel coincidence! Well, no, I was born in March, but Capricorn is my adopted sign. I’m way more Capricorn than any of the other guys. My friends call me “Mittricorn”. You can’t get more Capricorn than me. Let me buy you a drink. No, I don’t drink myself, but drink up. Have another one. Yes, this is my real hair. That’s a weird question; of course it’s real skin. Wait, where are you going? Why do you want to talk to that old guy? He’s so un-Capricorn. Oh well. Hey, she’s cute. Hi beautiful. What’s your sign? Really? I’m a Virgo too. Quel coincidence!
Giuliani: Hi doll, I’m Rudy. You got nothing to worry about when I’m around. I’ll be your big daddy. Remember 9/11? Little known fact: there were actually 30 planes. I saw them coming, pulled out my NYPD Glock, and took 20 of them out with 15 rounds. The others came at me, and I wrestled eight of them to the ground. The last two got scared and went after soft targets. Stick with me, I’ll keep you safe. Look around, there are lots of bad guys hanging out there. See that dark skinned man? Terrorist. If he doesn’t blow up your building, he’ll take your job, steal your purse, and prank call you with funny voices. Don’t you worry, I can intercept the call. Back to 9/11, I was being modest before. There were actually 300 planes, 4 surface-to-air missiles, and a giant, heat-seeking ferret…
Huckabee: Pardon me ma’m, you look like a nice wholesome girl. Want to come back to my pad and read Bible by the fire? I’ll fry you up somethin’ tasty in my popcorn popper. Of course not, I would never take advantage. I’m a gentleman. Though I’ll tell you a little secret. I’ve got stayin’ power. After the other guys have put on their pants and hightailed outa there, I’m still goin’. And then, just when you think it’s never gonna happen, BOOM! Hello, Mike Huckabee.
Obama: Hey baby. What’s your name? I’m Barack Obama. You look like you could use a little Obama-magic. I’ll make your toes tingle, electricity up and down your leg. I don’t even have to touch you, just whisper a few words in your ear. Just words, you say? Are these just words? [Whispers in her ear] Really, you’ve heard those word before? Why are you so cynical, baby? We’ve got potential. We can do incredible things together. Yes, that’s what I like to hear. Yes, baby, yes. Feel the hope. Yes we can. Yes we can. Yes we can!
Clinton: Hi handsome. Do you have brains behind those beautiful eyes? What’s your position on universal health care coverage? I’m a senator, you know, going to be President soon. Ever slept in the White House? Do you like domination games? I’ll whip that sweet ass of yours until you cry. I’m very experienced. Yes, I have a husband, but he won’t mind, it’s an open marriage.
Edwards: Hi sugar. I’m John Edwards. [flashes smile] Uh, yeah, we met before. No, I’m not stalking you. Look, I know that I may have seemed a little shallow before, but I’ve changed. I’ve discovered my passion. You’re it. I want to devote my life to you. Don’t worry, it’s cool with my wife. She’s doing a lot better. She wants me to do this. [Thinks to self: Who’s her friend? She’s hot too. Tough decision. If I go for the friend, I’ll look like a shmuck, but she might give me more play. Be cool, John. You’re the man. You can date both of them for a while.]
Kucinich: C’mon, sweetie. Why are you talking to all the other guys. I’ve got game. My wife’s a model. Hey, are you listening to me? Whatever. I’ll try someone else. Hey there good looking? Hey! Hey! Why is everyone ignoring me?
Gravel: [Says nothing. Just stands very close and stares.]

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  • Here's a fuckin' laugh March 5, 2008 10:14 am

    Hillary runs with Bill as her running mate on a Clinton-Clinton ticket–beats McCain
    Air Force One goes down in an ocean–and Bill gets a third term

  • cannibals R Us March 4, 2008 6:46 pm

    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
    + Tourist: $5
    + Broiled Missionary: $10.00
    + Fried Explorer: $15.00
    + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?”
    The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of shit, it takes all morning.”

  • Welcome to KFC may I help U? March 3, 2008 10:58 am

    Yes–I’d like the Hillary Special with an extra breast and a fat piece of ass–extra crispy

  • Colonel Sanders, KFC March 2, 2008 6:59 pm

    (Ya’ll know how much Willie loves his fast food.)