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Ban Left-Hand Marriage!

December 9, 2008

10-minute excerpt. Complete show here.

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  • Mark April 5, 2009 12:06 pm

    Recommended reading for Southpaw: “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift. I assume, Southpaw, that you also condemn as disgusting Swift’s proposal to sell Irish babies to English nobles as a fine culinary delicacy.

    Me, I find the idea intriguing…

  • Southpaw assosiation April 4, 2009 9:00 pm

    We can all say that this is absolutely disgusting and should this be shown to the general public you would be destroyed. This is rediculous because someone prefers to write with one hand over the other they should be shunned by society…its so pathetically hilarious i was rolling on the floor, and im left handed.

  • Mark December 20, 2008 3:13 am

    Ed, ask anyone who went to Catholic school in the 1950’s or earlier. This is an issue. Southpaws were forced against their will to use their right hand.

    This, of course, was a good thing, because no minority of human beings should ever claim individual freedoms based on a difference that makes the majority uncomfortable. Who cares if they’re “harming no one else”?

    They’re harming me. If a left-handed couple in San Francisco gets married, that damages the sanctity of marriage and makes all marriages worldwide less valuable. Like Groucho Marx, I don’t want to be a member of any club that will have me. And if left-handed people can get married, then right-handed people will never ever marry again, just as all straights in Massachusetts immediately divorced the moment gay couples got married.

    What’s the harm? Lefties want to redefine marriage. They want to claim that their marriage is not “sinister” when “sinister” MEANS left-handed. They want to claim that Right is somehow Wrong. They want to redefine the word Right! And no word should ever be redefined, even if it means millions have to suffer.

    Because definitions are more important than people. People die, but definitions live on after people are gone. Therefore even if millions of people have to suffer, it is important to preserve a definition.

  • Mark Levine December 20, 2008 3:06 am

    You know who’s a real “fucking asshat”? This jerk named Jonathan Swift. He favored EATING IRISH CHILDREN! He, even more than I, should’ve found a very tall building and jumped off. No wonder the Irish were oppressed, when Anglo-Irish “stupid fucking ass clowns” like Swift wanted cannibalist infanticide.

    And Swift’s “modest proposal” was far more severe than mine: I don’t want to kill left-handed people…just to give these unnatural southpaws the same rights as gay people: the right and privilege of being treated as second-class citizens.

    Some say left-handedness is a natural varient orientation, just because it’s in every human and animal culture. Poppycock. People CHOOSE to be left-handed because they WANT to use tools the wrong way. We know this, because the Bible tells us so and the Bible is always right, even when it supports slavery and polgamy and animal sacrifice.

    Southpaws WANT to sin, just like gay people choose to be gay because they love persecution and want to be crucified just like Matthew Shepard.

    Don’t believe me? Ask Rick Warren. He’ll tell you that sexual orientation is the same as child molestation, polgamy, and incest. He’ll tell you that any women who have abortions are morally equivalent to Nazis. What do you think he would say about people as sinister, gauche, and maladroit as southpaws?

    Why should 10% of the population insist on equal rights under the law when the great majority of us normal right-handers want to deny them those equal rights? Right is Right. And the Majority is always Right. Right?